Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in fuckridinghood's LiveJournal:

Saturday, June 12th, 2004
8:55 pm	somewhere b e t w e e n the procrastination.... and the homework..... and the incessant forwards..... and the friendships..... and the calls to each other complaining about crushes!!...... Somewhere b e t w e e n the phone calls to old friends..... And the "I miss you's", the "I love you's"....... And the "What are we doing tonight's?"..... And somewhere b e t w ee n all of the changing,growing! ... Somewhere b e t w e e n the classes........ And the skipping classes...... And the studying for tests.......And the pretending to study for tests....... And the downright NOT studying for tests... I forgot.......... I forgot what school was all about. Somewhere b e t w e e n making plans then breaking plans... Appearing, Disappearing, then re-appearing...I forgot...I forgot what it was like to cry....... I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy........... And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart ............ I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future.......... I forgot that you can't control falling in love........... And that you can't make yourself fall in love........... I learned that I can love......... I learned that it's okay to mess up......... And it's okay to ask for help......... And it's okay to feel like crap......... I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day........ I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have. I learned that the greatest thing about high school and college and the working world isn't the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the hook-ups... It's the friendships, which means taking chances........ I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.......... I learned that time can heal all things... I learned that just when you think it can't get worse-- it does... but w/ the love and support of friends--you survive... I've learned that when you start feeling bad about losing touch -- those that you've lost touch w/ are feeling the same way...I learned that letters from friends are the most important things.And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better. But, basically, I just learned that my friends........ Both o l d and new......... Are the most important people to me in the world. AND.......without them, I wouldn't be who I am today..... So this is a thank you to all of my friends. . For always being there. And even if we're not on good terms or we have lost touch... I will always have an unconditional love for you.. ~Always and forever ~love you!~ Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Ready Or Not-The Fugees (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 20th, 2004
8:51 pm	hmm. . . yeah I thought I found someone I thought I had something I could trust I still can't believe what happened It's not that I lied to us It's not that our friendship was a front It's just that I can't see the real in me Yeah for years I was afraid Now I can finally say That I'm afraid that I've become Everything that I had hated I'm waiting For this to blow away I've been working for Something oh so fake But it's never too late To correct the faults So many others made Life. . . I don’t know but . . . things feel different. I don’t feel like the same person anymore. . . I feel detached. I feel like I’m putting up a front for everyone else. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t know. . . I’m just tired of the world, tired with life. I don’t want to give up but I don’t see a good reason to on either. . . for some reason I’m not happy with myself. I’m still lost looking for something that isn’t there and I will never find. I just want to hide and run away but it’s getting harder and harder to hide from myself. Current Mood: bitter Current Music: Everything I do, I do it for you (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 8th, 2004
3:06 pm	I want to go and crawl into a dark hole and hide there forever!!!! I don’t care anymore if I never see the light of day ever again!! There are some things out there that one just should not see. But other times I feel like I want to be out there I want to absorb everything but be invisible. Invisible so I could see the world without me in it and know that life outside of me actually exists. I want to be invisible to hide from it all too. It hurts too much to see. Why can’t I see things through my rose colored glasses where I was stupid and naïve and didn’t give a damn about anything in the world. Whatever happened to them? I’ve lost my glasses yet once again and struggle to accept what I see; the scars the will never heal, the darkness that I create around me, and the leering sense that gives me a chill up my spine, those creepy crawly things that find their way into my world. I want to be invisible. I don’t want to be here. At this point I was going to say “someone, help me,” but it’s too late for that. I’ve dug my own hole deep enough and now I’ll just crawl into it and remain there forever. Current Mood: nauseated Current Music: bluegrass-fast fiddle and banjo tune (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
11:59 pm	Just Imagine I have let a figment of my imagination take over my life. How could I let reality slip out from under me? Reality is all that really exists, yet I don’t want to acknowledge this reality. I want to live in my dreams, where everything doesn’t need to make sense, where I’m not afraid, where I can still hang on to that dream. I don’t want to give up on that dream but if I don’t then how can I go on living. I will disappear if I don’t; I will become a dream and no longer real. my shattered dreams one last cry before i leave it all behind i've gotta put this out of my mind this time stop living a lie i know i'm not perfect i know i'm not great but i don't want to open my eyes i need to stop looking through rose colored glasses . . . **takes a deep breath** Current Mood: cold Current Music: Selena-Dreaming of you. . . (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
7:24 am	And I know why. . . "High" implies elevation of psychic state in the direction of transcendence. "Trip" implies being in motion but something briefer and more temporary than, say, a "journey," and having the implicit suggestion of return. "Stoned" implies an absolute intensity (the smoothness, hardness, solidity, and finality of stone), in this case intensity of feeling, ecstasy--but also the numbness, insensitivity, or deadness of a stone (stone blind, stone deaf, stone dumb, stone cold, stone dead). The duality may be appropriate; one undergoes a "small death" in order to open oneself up to a "new life." One becomes merged with the universe as a whole that the issue of life versus death is no longer of consequence. Mystics speak of a state of awareness where, totally unencumbered by any particular idea or image, one is able to perceive the entirety of the larger universe of one's own being within it. Current Mood: high Current Music: because i got high (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
1:45 pm	I wanna walk with you on a cloudy day. . . “Despite the turmoil that love often brings to our lives, most of us yearn for romance even after experiencing romantic failure. Some call this persistence a form of addiction, but others describe the desire for romantic intimacy as an expression of one of the most basic human needs, the desire to share and immerse oneself as completely as possible in the life and love of another who has become an integral part of one’s self-concept.” Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: Come Away with Me - Norah Jones (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 13th, 2004
10:47 am	Why not? WHY? Current Mood: curious Current Music: i will remember you (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 7th, 2004
2:06 am	States of Whatever I know I gotta be strong Cause round me life goes on and on and on I’m gonna dry my eyes Right after I had my one last cry yeah whatever--thats cool ~Kiki Current Mood: crushed Current Music: united states of whatever (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
4:49 pm	What the Fuck?! I’m a pathetic loser who’s given in to all those stupid instincts that I was warned about growing up. I was supposed to grow up strong and independent, a virtuous example of a modern day woman. But here I am still a little girl, still trying to hang on to the dependent past, afraid of living, afraid of being on my own. I’ve become dependent on those who ignore my cries for help. I’ve come to crave for the attention of others, in any form, shape or size. I have become the worst example yet of a social whore, a mere slut simply wanting attention. Meager supplements barely suppress the mouth-watering cravings and don’t even begin to calm the rumblings of my empty stomach. Which leads me to question, am I even alive? Current Mood: horny Current Music: Tears in Heaven (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 1st, 2004
2:40 pm	Falling I give up. I don’t want to give up but if I don’t then how can I go on living. If I don’t I will disappear and become but a dream. I give up but I can't . . . Current Mood: numb Current Music: falling (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
2:11 pm	hopeful New dawns    and springs A thousand metaphors    paralleled Mass understanding    helps make clear The meaning of    this pain And it all seems    to fit now You know who you are -- I just want to thank you for helping me through this. And to the other, thanks for keeping that seat in hell warm for me. Current Mood: drained Current Music: from an inspirational training montage (3 Comments |Comment on this)
12:44 am	Wanting For me, myself, and I. What do I want? It’s easy to say I want this or I want that but what do I really want? The house, that car, all the diamonds in the world; mere material possessions which provide me with what? Nothing. Happiness, pleasure, love; all lies. What am I supposed to do with that? So what is there left for me to want? Pain, loss and sorrow because that is all I will find left after the façade has melted away. I do not want these things. So what do I want? I don’t know (then again when do I ever know anything). Am I willing to participate in this illusion of wanting the perfect life just as a child fantasizes of living in a toy store? Am I supposed to give in to the pressures of society and join the massive flock? The answer: Yes. HELP ME! Current Mood: rejected Current Music: dirty dancing- hungry eyes (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
11:35 pm	That's Where I'll Be Have you ever felt like everyone and everything in the world is against you? Like nothing ever goes your way? Like life is just out to get you? I want to just crawl into a dark hole. I want to hide from it all. In the dark you can't see the pain and the suffering. In the dark everything becomes one mass of darkness which envelopes around you, sort of comforting in a way. The darkness blocks out the love and happiness which led to all the pain and suffering. Hiding in the dark protects you from the inevitable hurt that will never go away. tonight i think i'll sleep under my bed. . . (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2004
7:19 pm	feeling cheated (mood: see mood) My word of today was not a word, it was an acronym. I don't know why they would do this. I mean, I know it's not that big a deal, but you know when sometimes just one last thing will tip you over? I don't know how much longer i can go on doing this for. And it's ridiculous, I know, to be telling all this to something so incorporeal, but sometimes I just hate my life. Current Mood: cheated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:14 pm	why on earth is recumbent on the list of moods? or quixotic, for that matter. i'm so lonely. Current Mood: quixotic Current Music: the goldfish jingle (Comment on this)
5:17 pm	Complicated Why do things have to be so complicated? Or do we make things complicated? It’s probably the later but why? Is it to preserve our self-concept, to boost our self-esteem? Why even climb if we are only going to fall? It is inevitable that at some point we will all fall. Whether the fall is slow like a feather floating down or if like a heavy boulder we are thrown down head first into the ground with no recollection of the fall but only of the pain that followed. No matter how much cushioning we tried to provide, when we fall it all disappears, as if it never existed in the first place. We are forced to deny what we once believed in, in order to get on with our mundane lives. We are forced to forget, to lie, to deceive, as we once again try to climb the never ending. The higher we climb the greater the fall. We must then get up and start the cycle again for what other purpose do we serve but to climb. So every moment of the day, every moment of our lives, we are climbing because we must. Still breathing . . . barely Current Mood: ecstatic (1 Comment |Comment on this)